Choking on a Conversation?
Do you avoid hard conversations?
In my life I have typically avoided hard conversations. Can you relate?
I come from a Mennonite family background which often means that peace must be kept at all costs. That's the way we roll.
The problem is that problems aren't solved. We try to eat issues and the problems get stickier as they get lodged in our throats. In the end, there is usually more pain and the energy drain leaves hard feelings. Hurt builds, blame grows and unforgiveness festers.
After a really significant event in my life, I have worked on becoming intentional, to have some conversations that I would never have ventured into before. The courage to speak comes out of a desire to live differently and to find my voice. I'm choosing to change.
I've been working on teaching people how I want to be treated. It is hard, and there are times when it really changes relationships…. for the better. I’ve have had many kind, intentional, honest conversations that would never have happened in the past. The results have been beautiful and I feel excited to continue exploring who I am becoming.
Each conversation has had a different topic. Conversation topics have varied from being about money, how I needed someone to treat me, and about my own personal limitations in a relationship. I know that there are many more conversations ahead. Dialogue. It’s one of my favourite words.
One concept that has really helped me here is to begin with the end in mind. By keeping that at the front of my mind, I’m able to focus on the most important things, instead of getting “lost in the weeds”. It’s not that I want to control the direction of the conversation, but explore the way I hope the relationship will grow as a result of speaking with candor and kindness. I love to think of the end goal as win/win if everyone feels seen, heard and understood.
One conversation went well, I think, because I began the conversation in the position of a learner. I expressed to my friend that I am learning some new things about myself and that I am trying new ways of communicating. I also told her that I wanted to include her in the learning process because I trust her response to my heart. The result was an openness that astounded me. That being said, the person I was talking to is mature and very kind. I knew in my heart that she would receive me well, so she was really a great place to start this bold new behaviour. It took a lot of courage to broach the subject that I spoke to her about. It was very personal and it could have gone badly, but it didn't.
I’m choosing to honour myself and others by owning my behaviour and letting other's own their response. This feels like risky behaviour for this Mennonite raised kid… so far it's going well. It feels like freedom and it doesn’t feel like words are stuck in my throat anymore.
New conversations take practice. With practice, there are new possibilities. Some relationships will grow, others will not. There are no guarantees. I can only own my choices and my behaviour and I can't own the response of others. I'm tired of choking on conversations that need to happen.
When will your next brave conversation happen?
Need help? I’m here for a conversation. Let’s see where you can go!