The Chatter of “Should”
The words should and shouldn’t are loaded!
“Should comments” may be as innocuous as a recommendation, shared as an opinion, or packed with obligation; they can leave us feeling criticized, defensive, diminished, powerless, frustrated, resentful. Should may also incite feelings of responsibility, commitment, performance, passion, responsibility, hope, optimism, and vision.
At its worst, should has the potential to enslave us. At its best, it is a word that may bring forth some of our most courageous moments.
“You should get that done.”
“You should feel….”
“You should stop….”
“I should be….”
“I shouldn’t feel…”
“I should have …”
“She shouldn’t…”
“We should…”
· What was your last experience with should or shouldn’t?
It is important to get clear about what is going on. Let’s dig in and explore some questions.
THE INTERNAL SHOULD
How many times a day does your self-talk shift to a sense of obligation with, “I should be…”, “I shouldn’t feel….”? Sometimes shoulding on ourselves is accompanied by feelings of obligation, self-loathing, resentment or comparison. When our self-talk is composed of messages like this, our experience can make us feel like we are never enough. Joy and contentment evaporate.
· Is this should or shouldn’t true?
One current should story is my experience with strength training: “At my age, I should lift weights to build muscle.”
My brain then plays ping pong with why I should and shouldn’t.
“You should.”
“You shouldn’t . That injury will make it too hard”
“You should…”
“You shouldn’t. You’ll look like a beginner.”
“You shouldn’t. It’s too much time commitment”
“You should…”
“You shouldn’t. It costs money, and everyone knows that things are really tight these days…”.
What is your should story?
Should often leads to paralysis because of competing messages.
· What do I want?
When I focus on becoming stronger, rather than feeling weak, I find that the motivation to engage with the change I want to create is focused and fueled by passion.
· What’s my focus? A problem or the outcome I hope to create?
The experience of should shifts!
There are also professional situations that are equally challenging. When I relate to tasks with a problem focused experience of should, it’s hard to not pay attention to the internal chatter of why something isn’t my strength and why I have a thousand other tasks that are more important. The result is defaulting to tasks that are easy which doesn’t get the important things done.
· How can I focus my attention on what is important?
When I shift my thinking and see the should in its larger context and shift my thinking from duty to the outcome I hope to create, everything changes.
Caveat:
Sometimes we find ourselves powerless to create what we most desire. This can be exhausting and even debilitating. Life is unfair and there are things beyond our control. Disability, fertility, trauma, loss and world events are just some of the things which might come with nagging shoulds that may feel unanswerable.
Author, Julie Diamond quotes Victor Frankl:
“When we cannot change a situation, we are challenged to work with ourselves, to get along with whatever life throws at us. Using personal power doesn’t just mean going along with what happens; it means finding the right mindset, soothing your emotions, finding the courage to face the impossible, and discovering who you are at the edge of the unknown.”
Our sense of self-worth may be undermined when we are walking through challenges. It’s important to find people to walk beside in these times… people who can help mitigate the chatter of the should. The personal power of micro-steps cannot be minimized during times of deep challenge.
THE EXTERNAL SHOULD
What happens when other people tell you that you should do something or feel something? Most of us balk at this, especially when we lack trust or respect for the person telling us what we should do. If you are a leader, remember that kindly and clearly communicating expectations is the best way to get results from your team. To help you avoid shoulding on people, remember that timely feedback is essential, and correction is best done in a private conversation. It builds rapport, trust and ultimately a strong professional relationship.
Sometimes we feel an external should when we feel the need to help. Knowing our own limits is an important skill; having the ability and the vocabulary to say both “yes” and “no” is essential. Obligation has a way to lead to resentment or contempt which ultimately destroys relationship.
· What is important?
· Can I respond with “yes” or “no”?
There are times when should, from an external source, is really important. I cannot help but think of the many men and women who have sacrificed their lives, their talent and their time so that we can live in a democratic country. I know that their experience of should was informed by a sense of duty that very few of us can relate to. A ruthless adherence to individualism doesn’t support challenges that require us to unite.
There have been time in my life when I was not capable of meeting my own needs. I will always be thankful for the people who embraced should as a call to help me through some dark times. Should may be a call to action when it matters for people who lack resources, power or capacity. Mahatma Gandi’s words “the true measure of any society can be found in how it treats its most vulnerable members.”
When should is focused on a problem and disconnected from an outcome that we hope to support, explore or create, the results are usually less than desirable.
The next time you are navigating a should, I would like to invite you to pause, breathe, do a little inventory, check in with what is important and dig in. Should and shouldn’t are not always bad, nor are they always good. Focus your attention on the big picture, the outcome you want to create and take the next brave step.
