The Wounds We Carry
Secondary wounding is the term for the pain we experience when we do not find the support we need after a traumatic event. This kind of wounding may actually be psychologically more isolating and painful than the initial loss.
After a life-changing event, going back to the way things were may never happen.
One of my favorite authors who writes extensively about embracing where we are in our emotional experience, is Susan David. In her book Emotional Agility, she shares the deep wisdom of experiencing our emotions and moving through them.
I also love the work of Dan Seigel who refers to emotions as “energy in motion”. If we bottle the emotion, it doesn’t go away. The emotions we deny will ultimately define us.
What to do for your family member whose heart is broken?
Acknowledge – recognize that loss and pain are real. You don’t have to rush putting “giftwrap” on their pain. See Brené Brown’s video about empathy.
Listen – The gift of your presence, without expectation or judgement, is precious.
Understand – The pain will take time to subside and there is no normal timeline.
Support- There are likely some physical things you can do for people who need you. It is really confusing when people ask you what they can do, and you don’t know what they are able to give. A better, more thoughtful response is to think of a few things they might need and offer a couple of specific things....time, food, service, resources are often helpful.
These need to come without any strings attached. Going for a walk or bike ride together is a helpful way of helping them focus on something outside of their pain.
Permission- The unspoken permission for your loved one to be where they are is how you will also build a relationship that will meet you where you are someday when you also need the same.
Are these things that you need in your life right now? Who might be able to walk beside you in your journey? There are difficult moments when peripheral, understanding friends have a unique opportunity to help navigate pain. It is often surprising who “step up” in crisis moments who are able to offer a hand, an ear and their heart.
I hope that you can take one step closer to being cared for AND caring for others in ways that make a difference. Together let’s work towards reducing the impact of secondary wounding.
Stay tuned for one more post on this very important topic.
